Sheer Paranoia: Outrageous but Entertaining

A Meeting in the back room of the White House. 60

Karl Rove barks at the administrative attendant (A G-12 Civil Servant): “Hey, boob queen! Fetch me another cup of coffee! Now!”

Treasury Secretary Paulson hurriedly enters and seats himself at the table, still completely consumed reading the papers he carried into the room. He looks frightened.

The Chief of Staff is placing copies of the agenda around the conference table. Two or three other Presidential Advisors are speaking secretively in the background.

Suddenly, the door is opened again. Two Secret Service agents quickly take their places on either side, suspiciously glancing around the meeting room. One, holding the door open, states in a loud voice, “The Vice President.” Dick Cheney skulks into the room to take his seat. It is suddenly silent.

“Where the hell is Georgie boy? Get his ass in here. We’ve got some work for him to do -- some stuff for him to say. I haven’t got all day!” Cheney grouches. A staff member rushes frantically out of the room, reappearing moments later with a disheveled George Bush.

“This is your chair, Mr. President.” the staffer offers politely as he pulls out the President’s seat.

“Hey! Texas! Are you tellin’ me that you don’t have time to get to my meeting on schedule? What a loser! God!” Cheney booms at the President, disgusted.

Addressing everyone at the table, the Vice President begins. “Okay. It’s no surprise, but we’re dumping old what’s-his-name. Hasn’t got a chance. Recoup all the money we can out of his campaign coffers.” glaring at Josh Bolton, the Chief of Staff. “You got that?”

“Yes, sir. I’ll get people right on it, sir.” The Chief of Staff makes a note in his day planner.

The President, seeming confused, interrupts Cheney. “Uh, does that mean I won’t get to give more speeches? You know, campaign stuff for McCain?”

Cheney fires back. “Just do as you’re told. If they tell you to give a speech, give one. Now, shut up. We’ve got important business here.”

The Vice President turns to Henry Paulson, Secretary of the Treasure. “Hank, how far down are you today with your Goldman Sachs' paper?”

Paulson, still looking bewildered, mumbles, “Another 55 million, Dick. This sucks. I thought the market wasn’t supposed to tank until just after the election!” He continued, “I’m getting phone calls. The one percenters don’t like this. They don’t like this one damned bit! You know what that means.”

Cheney booms back. “Don’t threaten me, you bookie! It’s your job to keep the billionaires happy! You can just get your ass on the phone and quiet ‘em down.” The Vice President glares at the National Security Advisor, then turns to Karl Rove. “You said you had a new plan. Something about the Treasury.”

Karl Rove stood, organizing a few sheets of notes in his hands. “We can still turn this disaster to our advantage. This place is going to be crawling with Democrats in another couple of months, so if we’re going to strike back, we need to do it now.”

“Yeah, we’re going to be sliding out of power, but there’s still time to gut this bastard before we lose George Bush’s legal cover.” He turns to Attorney General Mukasey. “I assume that the Justice Department is still with us? I sent you a list of Republican nobodies you can prosecute if you have to prosecute someone.”

“Dick is right when he says we may as well dump McCain. That whole campaign is self-destructing as we watch. But that means we have to walk away from all the schemes we had for the next four years, no more no-bid contracts and K Street is going to get castrated by these populist do-gooders. That means no more free money for favors.”

“We’ve got to get what we can while the gettin’ is good. That’s where my plan comes in. We can resurrect the same ‘scare team’ we used for Iraq, only this time the new threat will be another Great Depression. I think if we hammer the public into a state of terror for a couple of weeks while Congress is paralyzed, we can ramrod a huge bail out scheme through and be done with it before the election.”

Secretary of Defense Gates offered to help. “I can stop all the expenditures for new military procurement. That will leave a few billion in the defense budget for a snack.”

Cheney responds in a short tone. “Yeah, yeah. Tidbits like that are okay, but we have to think big. We’re going to have to last through the next term on what we can get right now. A few billion defense dollars would normally be interesting, but we have to go for the big one this time.”

President Bush looked more and more confused, but remained silent.

Rove continues. “We can jam a $700 billion dollar bail out through in a couple of weeks. We’ll keep going public with the idea that the details are too complicated to explain, ratchet up the fear card with Depression talk ‘till the public is crazy. We can even throw in some patriotism crap or something. We can contract the Wall Streeters to administer the whole thing. They will be able to loot enough dough from that to stay loyal to us until we’re ready to come back.”

“Plus, this plan has another bonus. If we bankrupt the Treasury and the Federal Reserve, that Democrat son-of-a-bitch won’t have any cash to pay for all of his promises.”

“Face it, gentlemen. We have lost power. We can either stand here and let the poor people get all this money for their goddamned roads and schools and crap or we can funnel it into some pockets that know how to help us later, pockets with good memories of who gave them what.” Rove pauses for effect.

“Dick has decided that we’re going to do this. He expects all of you to tow the line. Yes, there is a little risk once the Democrats have a new Attorney General, but, if everything goes according to plan, we'll be sitting somewhere else with our take before they can do anything about it.”

“Page six of the agenda is a list of countries without extradition agreements along with the names of some banks. I suggest that you make arrangements for travel and moving right away, get your families ready.” He went on, joking. “Don’t steal any famous art, either!”

“This doesn’t have to be the beginning of the end for us. Dick and I like to think that this will be the end of the beginning.”

“President Bush. Anything to add?” Rove turned, condescending, to face the President.

Cheney suddenly stands, gathering his notes as he prepares to leave. The Secret Service agents, still at their stations, swing open the conference room door for his departure.

All Rightee! President Time!

Making Tough Decisions: Electing a President in a Media Blackout
or is it, Electing a President in an Electorate Blackout?

Here it is again. November. The wife is poundin’ on me -- “You get out there and vote! If you don’t have one of them ‘I Voted’ stickers, you better not plan on gettin’ your favorite meatloaf for the rest of the year!” She don’t care if it’s colder than a brass bra out here. Oh no. “You get out there and vote!” Women are like that. My mom always told me to vote, too.

So, here we are at Cataclysm Junior High. There’s the ‘Vote Here’ sign. All these people, jeez, there’s no parking. I guess there’s nothin’ to do but go on in there and get it over with.

This is just like last time. Every four years it’s the same. I’m walkin' in to vote and I have no idea who I’m supposed to vote for. At least all the names are listed on the ballots. That makes it easier to remember who is running.

At least, this year, I did my homework. I watched the news a couple of times so I’d, like, know, the questions. The wife says you have to do that to be an educated voter. One thing I do know for sure, and that is whoever gets picked is gonna’ be the guy who runs the country until the next time, you know, the next election. I say guy, but, darn, that woman is running this time. If I vote for the woman, the wife will probably like it.

Still, I promised her that I’d vote my own mind. So, I guess it’s time to boil all these facts down so I know what I’m doin’. Mom always said to pay attention to the church goin’ while you size up each pick. McCain’s preacher thinks that the Catholic Church is the whore of Babylon. That don’t mean much to me, ‘cause I ain’t Catholic. O’Bama’s preacher is a black man who doesn’t act like he’s white, but O’Bama dumped him anyway, whatever that means. Hillary’s little prayer bunch is full of fire-breathin’ neo-cons. She says she ain’t no neo-con, but she never said that the rest of ‘em weren’t.

So, that helps.

And, there’s the screw-ups. McCain said he didn’t know much about the economy but he wanted the war to go on for a hundred years. That’s weird all right, but I don’t rally know anything about the economy, either. O’Bama said that bitter people cling to religion and guns, but I ain’t bitter and I don’t even own a gun. The wife hates guns, but she don’t think he’s no Moslem. Hillary said she got shot at somewhere, but the movie didn’t show it. Sometimes I think I got shot at, but I don’t remember any of the details very well, either.

Stuff like that really does help narrow down the decision.

Yup, I’m registered, thanks to the wife, and now I’m walking up to the little curtain thing. Mom told me to never tell a pollster that I was undecided ‘cause they’d call me on the phone everyday after that. I tried to watch all them numbers the news kept comin’ up with. I’m under fifty, but I’m over twenty-five. I’m pretty sure I’m mostly white, whatever that means. The wife and I go to church every Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving and them other two days. I earn less than $250,000 and more than $45,000, right? And, I am the proud father of two kids of “mixed sex” like 39% of the rest of the country.

All that stuff says I’m supposed to vote for somebody, but I can’t remember which one. Still, it’s a clue.

I guess I’m just going to do it like last time. So long as everyone thinks I thought about it, I’ll be all right. Plus, I learned something from last time. I ain’t tellin’ nobody who I voted for until I can figure out if it makes me look stupid. If it does make me look stupid, I’ll just lie and say I voted for someone else.

All right, last time I used the alphabet idea. Since “B” came before “K,” I voted for the guy who’s in there now. To keep things democratic, this time I’m going to pick the last guy. Than means that “O” comes after “M,” even though it’s just barely. Huh. I wonder if I should count the “O” part or the “B” part. That would change everything.

Here goes. It’s gonna be “O.” That leaves all these other people to vote for. At least no one’s has ever heard of any of ‘em. For them, I can just use the old “flip the coin” approach. Anyway, no one ever asks whether or not you voted for them, or, you know, which one.

Now, I take this paper back over to the old lady and she gives me my “I Voted” sticker, then it’s home for meatloaf and sex. What a country!

Ignore the Man Behind the Curtain

Blog doc 22 The Rest of the Story? Where’s Paul Harvey when we need him?

Gee whiz. It would be wonderful if the campaigners would just stick to the issues. Well, we might need a bit of media honesty as a prelude to such a happy development. “The Rest of the Story” has to do with what the next Democratic President will do to correct all these insults.

It’s hard to ask for answers when you don’t know the questions.

So, what are the questions? Here are a few that seem to pop up in the media blackout.

In The News: Stuff that doesn’t seem to really be done yet.

Children’s health care: Okay. It got vetoed. Then what? Did we just give up? How can we find the facts about this?

National debt: 10 Trillion Dollars. Okay. Exactly what did we buy? This doesn’t include the war money we borrowed from China. How can we find the facts about this?

Global Warming: Right. We can’t do anything right now. The crooks need to get organized so they can loot all the money we’re going to spend. Plus, President Genius still thinks it is a faith based problem. How can we find the facts about this?

NAFTA: This is an awful thing that nobody did. All the awful things it did to American workers and business aren’t actually awful. It has to stay awful forever because there is nothing that can be done about something that nobody actually did. Besides, nobody ever even thought it was a good idea. How can we find the facts about this?

Veterans Administration: Simple. Don’t pay for what it needs. After the rats and the cockroaches are gone, shut up the story and say weird things about all the folks who won’t support the troops. Whatever the problem is, they did it. How can we find the facts about this?

Medicare Pharmaceutical Bill: See, it is bankrupting the country. It is the very best bill that could be written by the folks who get the money from bankrupting the country and passed by the Very Responsible Republicans in the Congress. At 3 AM. Was this the same phone call? Plus, it proves that universal health care is impossible. Or, at least, could be impossible if we let these same folks steal all the money. How can we find the facts about this?

Congressional Subpoenas: These are faith-based subpoenas. The President and his cronies have faith that these subpoenas should never be served. They don’t want to be war criminals or fraud felons. How can we find the facts about this?

Crooked Elections: This only happened once in Ohio. And Florida. And, it didn’t really even happen at all. If it had actually happened, the Democrats would have done something about it before the next election. So. It will be a thunderous landslide for McCain. Or maybe Bob Dole. We should call all the electronic voting machines back from Iraq. And Mexico. Do we export democracy or crooked elections. Right? Right? How can we find the facts about this?

K-Street: These lobbyists are actually the only people anywhere who actually know what the voting electorate of the country really wants. They haven’t done such a bad job of running the Congress they bought. Oh yes, they are a little expensive compared to Federal campaign financing, but how could anyone run the government just based on what we think? How can we find the facts about this?

Federal Prosecutors: Did they throw them out for political reasons or not? Their world doesn’t end with a bang. It ends with a whimper. Who possibly cares what happened, anyway? In fact, who hasn’t already been confused enough? Who hasn’t forgotten all about it? Harriet Meiers? Dick Cheney? How can we find the facts about this?

Signing Statements: What right thinking President wouldn’t want to just keep going with them? Do we really need to write legislation to resurrect the Constitution or what? How can we find the facts about this?

Habeas Corpus: Why should we worry about some faith-based problem in the Magna Carta? Anyway, we might figure it out while we are racing for a trial before death from old age. Especially if we start while we are still young. Think about it. With no trials we would get even with all those lawyers. How can we find the facts about this?

911 Commission: Uh, weren’t there supposed to be two parts to this thing? Maybe Bush’s toady who was running that outfit just got too embarrassed. You know, maybe about the faith-based collapse of building seven. Just remember: “They hate our freedom.” I guess. Keep moving. There is nothing to see here. Everything is exactly what we said it is. How can we find the facts about this?

Governor Siegelman: The Republicans cheated this Alabama Governor out of his election. Then they threw him in prison. Then they threw away the key. Boy, oh boy, does this baby ever stink! Faith-based justice? No, It just stinks. How can we find the facts about this?

Torture: If a certain draft-dodger says it isn’t torture, well, that means it isn’t torture. Yes, of course it is disgusting, but more than anything else, it is grotesque. Like the rest of it. How can we find the facts about this?

War Profiteering: Harry Truman was a trouble making fire brand. This is not treason. It is not treason because it is less than a trillion dollars. That means it is a misdemeanor. Right? No need to investigate. Move along. Nothing happening here. How can we find the facts about this?

Outing CIA Operative: Well, this bitch was asking for it. After all, it was her mean old husband who tried to embarrass the President when he was lying about yellow cake in the State of the Union. She needed to mind her own business, the harpy. Oh, it was her business. Never mind. It doesn’t matter. Dick Cheney can’t go to jail because he has a heart condition, a pardoning President and a string of failed Attorneys General. How can we find the facts about this?

Scooter Libbey: While we are at it, let’s see. The Special Prosecutor was supposed to figure out what happened. Scooter obstructed. The President commuted. Dick Cheney is as innocent as the driven snow. That’s it. Move along. Nothing happening here. How can we find the facts about this?

Federal Election Commission: (See also “Crooked Elections”) The FEC can’t really do anything because nothing really actually happened. Anyway, the FEC can’t do anything because there aren’t enough commissioners to vote in a quorum. So, that means there isn’t any election fraud. It also means that whatever McCaine did with his federal money is, well, okay. Right? You bet! How can we find the facts about this?

Katrina Reconstruction: God sent the hurricane to drive all the evil Democrats and other wrong colored people somewhere else. Now, New Orleans is a Republican city and all the bad people are just sitting there whining about the poison gas in their trailers. For $60 Billion it was a good deal. You know, heaven sent. “Great job, Brownie!” Did everyone get their money? How can we find the facts about this?

Iraq intelligence: No. No. No. It wasn’t a bunch of cheap oil stealing lies. It was an honest mistake. Anyway, what does it matter now? Do you possibly think that sacrificing General Powell didn’t hurt the President? You bet it did! So. It was faith-based intelligence about Jesus and Crusades and stuff. What else could we have possibly done? How can we find the facts about this?

Science: Certain complaining voters want their money back for all the science they paid for that got crapped by the faith-based truth squads. Stem cells, global warming, NASA. What a bunch of whiners. What do all these voters even know about something like this, anyway? Come on. How can we find the facts about this?

We are clearly living in an engineered environment where the autocrat is insulated from the consequences of these deceptions. Amazingly enough, we citizens have actually bought into the propaganda message that there are no consequences! Somewhere in this preliminary list are at least a couple of ideas for questions for one of those “debates.” Still, maybe it is better to talk about patriotism. “If Rev. Wright were a talking frog, and he said the bitter thing, would he be more patriotic than you are?” After all, we must not forget that “They hate our freedom.”