An Afternoon at Tea Bag Headquarters

The group of young reporters around my office had selected me -- granted, an otherwise unlikely candidate -- to slip into the Tea Bag Headquarters and extract some useful clues about what was going on there.  I was glad to help.

The details of the Tea Bag story at first had seemed to be purposefully obscured by a carefully orchestrated series of rather professional feints and dodges.  However, when conclusion after conclusion had simply collapsed at our editorial desk, it became clear that the mysterious phenomenon, although certainly a news item, was so chaotic that not even the most perceptive commentator could actually weave it into any kind of factual reportage.

So, here I was, a modestly overweight, heavily bespectacled, poorly dressed desk jockey being foisted into the maelstrom of the Tea Baggers.  The selection made sense.  I was unquestionably the single employee in all the office who looked the most like the folks at the Tea Bag rallies or the Glen Beck fiasco.  I would, indeed, fit into the crowd.

Off I went in a rusty old, borrowed pick up truck.  Although I had been a bit nervous on the journey across town to the industrial park, when I actually arrived, the bottom of my stomach dropped.  The lot was packed with cars. 

Streams of Tea Baggers, all quite outwardly similar to myself, were threading their way into one section of the park.    I seemed to itch uncontrollably from the four micro-video cameras mounted along my belt and the silent, high gain tape recorders strategically hidden around my clothes.

Nonchalantly, I stumbled into the nearest line.  A rather innocuous fellow next to me burped loudly, scowled at me suspiciously, then began what, I  discovered later, would pass for a "friendly conversation."

"Yew here to see the Commander showin' up t' take charge of the Command Chamber?" he grumbled.

"Yup, shore am. A'hm plumb 'cited 'bout it, too." I chortled in response.

"This here's it.  We gonna show them bastards once 'n fer all.  Thu' shock troops done hit 'em in the 'lections.  Raght now's time fer thu rest o' th' plan to git inta' gear."  he continued through a toothless grin.

As we approached the immense building, the pathos of the crowd was intimidating.  There were hundreds of Tea Baggers lumbering around uncontrollably, obviously the green recruits for the next "push."  Scattered amid them were a dozen armed "security guards" dressed all in black with some indiscernible logo stitched into their collars.

Their tiny, paranoid eyes seemed to dart back and forth over the crowd relentlessly searching for a possible assassin or other trouble maker.  Clearly,  they intended that the much anticipated arrival of the "Commander" would proceed smoothly.

Suddenly, an impressive limousine slid through the crowd to park a few feet from the door to the place.  I decided that I needed to get inside to really have a chance to register what was happening.

Surprisingly, I slipped through the open door without being challenged.  The atmosphere was, at least so far, remarkably egalitarian.  Some of the crowd were being allowed to enter the formal "Command Chamber."

The "Commander" stepped in majestic victory from the giant car with the California "Freedom Works" vanity plate at its rear.  Over each of the front fenders a tiny flag fluttered in the breeze.  Sewn from a gaudy, clashing set of olive and magenta panels, the crudely embroidered words "Don't Dreat On Me" formed an arch on each one.  Obviously, the insignia was meant to say "Don't Tread On Me," but apparently no one had noticed the misspelling in time to make a correction.

The Tea Bag Commander was a nondescript mid-forties, but the "nondescript" part ended there.  Massive, reflective sun glasses seemed to cover most of his face, and a thin mustache bravely emerged just beneath the shadow of a great Napoleonic bicorne, the tips of which jutted menacingly into the crowd of "baggers" which had now clustered around him.

He wore a cape with stars and stripes over the back of a military tunic reminescent of Muammar Gaddafi, his breast cluttered with unrecognizable medals and accented by a garrish red sash.  However, below his coat, the pant legs of worn coveralls descended to a pair of heavily worn opera slippers.  The toe of each of the tiny loafers sported a set of red, white and blue LED's which blinked in sequence.  The man wore no socks.

His feet had only touched the parking lot when a mariachi band -- each waving an American flag -- emerged from the shadows at the far side of the crowd, blaring a horn rendition of the Star Spangled Banner.

Once inside, the "Commander" roared into action immediately.  Pointing at a large banner with a stylized Republican elephant hung at the far end of the room, he barked an order.  "Rip that there rag down.  We done with them 'Publicans.   Don't need theeer sorry asses no more!"

The crowd in the room screamed with delight as the banner was ripped from the wall.  I quietly migrated closer to the man in charge with the hope of picking up his conversations on my microphones.  The video cameras were being blocked by the throng of Tea Baggers packing the room.  I was certain that the only video feed coming out of them was of  retreating levi's, ass cracks and giant bellies.

The "Colonel" himself acted more thuggish rather than military.  A very rotund, middle aged man, he presented -- for no particular specific reason -- the image of a farm pig in an explosive frame of mind.  He was surrounded by "staffers," and although every one of them was dressed in an ill fitted Sears suit, each one presented an individual personage suspiciously similar to that of the Commander.  I found myself close enough to be privy to almost all of the conversation.

(image source)

A furtive, uncertain sense of order soon settled in the main room of the Command Chamber.  Once the rabble who had entered from outside had withdrawn to places around the walls of the place, the organization of the Command Chamber subtly became visible.  One of the Commander's personal cronies offered him a cheezy, battery operated megaphone while another held an open cell phone aloft.  The aide with the open cell phone called over the crowd to his boss, "Boehner's on lahn one.  He wants ta' talk t' yew."

At once, the Commander screamed back, this time over his new megaphone.  "Jest tell his ass t' wait!  N' thet don't mean call back.  Thet means t' WAIT!"

Swirling around to face yet another of his close aides, the Commander demanded "Whar's them experts on governnin' thet Koch sent us?  DeMint sez we gotta' cook up some kind'a plan fer the news tonaght on Fox."

Quaking ever so slightly, the aide answered.  "We still got 'em locked up in thet bus out to thu' parkin' lot, sir."

"Well, git theeer butts in here, n' have 'em figger out how t' cut thu  dammed budget, fer Chrissake!"  the Commander boomed back.  "Whar's mah dammed 'money desk' in this outfit?"

His aide answered, pointing across the mayhem once again growing in the room. "We got yer Uncle Hiram from off his farm.  He's settin' raght over thea' at thu' Money Desk." 

The restive crowd of baggers had parted enough for a video shot of an older man sitting at an empty table with an ancient ten key calculator.  Scotch taped to the front of the table was a doggerel sign saying "Money Desk."  The word "Money" had been misspelled, but then crossed out and replaced in smaller letters.

"N' zackly whar's them corporate check writers?  We gonna hef ta' git them mixed in with the govment experts to figger out how we gonna divahd everthin' -- ooops, Ah' mean cut thu budget!"  The Commander muttered to his aide.

"Them guys ain't done nuthin' but bitch since they got here.  Ah had securrity lock 'em up in the back room."  the aide responded.

"Thet's good!  Them billyonaires need t' lean thet they ain't in charge no more.  We're here 'cause the voice of the people done spoke, 'n we heeard 'em loud 'n clear!"  By this time the Commander was beginning to slobber a bit.  Another aide quietly offered him a flask of bourbon.

"Now, git them TV camras goin' -- A'hm 'bout reddy to 'dress thu nashun.  Whar's mah medya guy?"  the Commander boomed.

The Fox cameraman sheepishly rose from his seat, offering a few protocol suggestions.  "Will you be wanting the teleprompter?  We haven't got a copy of your speech yet."

The Commander's head turned threateningly to face the Fox man.  "Ah don't need no damned writ out speech, 'n Ah shore as hell don't need no tellprempter." he roared.  Immediately the crowd of tea baggers in the room cheered again.

"It don't matter whut Ah say now." the Commander continued.  "Mah fellow citzens so terrifahd alreddy, they gonna jest go with thu flow."  As the camera lights went on,  he growled to his aide.  "S'bout tahm them losers figgered out jest who's in charge!"

 (image source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_Capitol )

The Exit Interview

Where do I go when I've gone to far...?

What can be done when facts mean nothing?

The two college students were approaching voters as they walked toward the parking lot after placing their ballots.  Their assignment made them specifically interested in polling Republican voters.  It seemed like the answers to the poll were even more important now that all the signs pointed to a Republican resurgence.  A middle aged man was walking toward his car when the younger of the two met him.

"Excuse me, sir.  I noticed that you are wearing a tea party pin on your jacket.  Is it safe to assume that you voted a Republican ticket just now?"

"Yup.  Even though those Republicans are way too liberal for my taste, I didn't have much of a choice, so I voted a straight Republican ticket."

"Do you mind answering a few questions on my public opinion poll?"

"You're a Democrat aren't you."

"Actually I am a student.  In our class we are conducting exit interviews in hopes of finding out what the Democrats seem to have missed in the election.  I'm pretty much a Democrat myself, and I'm hoping that with the results of this poll, our party's platform can better reflect the feelings of voters next time.  Do you mind participating?"

"Okay, I guess.  Just so long as you don't try to trick me."

"I think you will find the poll questions pretty straightforward and it only takes a few minutes. This poll is specifically about the economy.  That seems to be where we missed the boat this time.  Shall we get started?"

"Let her rip."

"The first question is about taxes.   Do you think there is a bill going through Congress that will raise taxes?"

"Yes I do.  The politicians keep trying to confuse everyone, but the Democrats in the House are definitely planning to raise my taxes.  They've already started."

"Did you know that the Democrats in the House have actually lowered your taxes?"

"That isn't true.  The Democrats have raised taxes."

"Maybe you're referring to the tax cuts that will end this year.  Is that what you mean by 'raising taxes'?"

"Yeah.  That amounts to raising taxes.  Taking away the tax cuts -- anything that makes people pay more taxes -- means higher taxes."

"So, somebody voted to end the tax cuts, and in your view, that means that somebody is raising taxes.  Do you know who voted to end the tax cuts?"

"Yeah.  The Democrats."

"Actually, the law which ends the tax cuts was voted in by the Republicans when they passed the bill in the first place.  That tax cut bill has increased the national debt by over a trillion dollars so far.  The Republicans passed the tax bill without any way to make up the lost revenue, so the government had to borrow the money to make ends meet."

"The Democrats want to pass a new permanent tax cut bill for middle class tax payers, but eliminate the old tax cut for the top 2%.  They think that middle class families will probably spend their tax refunds, but the top 2% don't seem to spend or invest the money they get back from the tax cuts."

"If the same tax cuts for the top 2% get extended when the old bill expires, it will raise the national debt an additional 700 billion dollars before it expires the next time in 2020.  If you are in favor of keeping the tax cuts and there still isn't any way to make up the difference, it will mean borrowing another 700 billion and adding that to the national debt.  Is that what you want to happen?"

"See.  That's exactly how the Democrats have got us so far in debt.  By the way, that debt is going to land on my grandchildren.  We think that all tax cuts are good, no matter who gets them.  Let's go on to the next question."

"You mentioned your grandchildren.  That brings up the second question.  Are you in favor of the reforms to health insurance the Democrats passed?  Do your grandchildren have good health coverage?"

"No, I'm not in favor of ObamaCare.  It's going to cost a trillion dollars which will go into the national debt.  Again, that will all land on my grand kids."

"The Democrats think that the health insurance reforms will save a trillion dollars over the next ten years.  That would mean lowering the national debt."

"How in the hell are we going to pay for ObamaCare and still save money?  That's nuts.  Democrats are trying to trick us into thinking that we are getting something for free."

"When we consider the whole economy we can think in terms of changes in the  GDP.  When the economy is doing well, the GDP increases and vice versa.  Right now -- this year -- one dollar of every six in the GDP is going to health care.  All sorts of people are paying out that money in a lot of different ways, but that is the total percentage, about 16%.  That amounts to around a trillion dollars every year."

"That's what happens when the government gets involved, costs sky rocket.  That's why I don't like ObamaCare."

"Did you know that in countries where the whole health care business is run by the government the total cost is lower and the people are healthier?  In fact, their cost is about one third of what we pay for each person, as a percentage of their GDP those countries pay about a third of what we pay and the health outcomes are quite a bit higher all across the board."

"The Democrats looked at the numbers and figured out that we'll go broke if we keep paying such a high price.  They tried to fix the system.  Most of the really good cost saving ideas in the health reform bill were blocked by Republicans in the Senate."

"Maybe, but you're not talking about the worst parts of ObamaCare.  What about the death panels, rationed care and gigantic cuts to Medicare?  That's why 70% of Americans don't like it and want it repealed.  Anyway, insurance premiums have gone up faster since it was passed than before.  Every politician who voted for it is going to lose the next election.  American voters hate it."

"Did you know that 70% of Americans were strong supporters of the bill before the Republicans in the Senate sabotaged its best money saving parts and its increases in services?  While the bill was being written, insurance companies were spending more than a million dollars a week lobbying Congressmen to defeat it." 

"Since then, insurance corporations have spent millions conducting a misinformation campaign.  They are raising their premium rates as fast as they can before the regulations go into effect.  Democrats think that cutting big insurance companies loose on individual families without any rules isn't really fair."

"ObamaCare is a government invasion into the privacy of American families.  We have to get government out of our private lives.  Go on to the next question."

"The next question has to do with the deficit.  What do you think about deficit spending budgets year after year?"

"I think it's criminal.  It's one place where the Democrats have no place to hide.  They are the ones in favor of big government and a nasty habit of 'tax and spend.'  That's how we spent our way into the mess we're in now.  That's one of the main reasons I voted for Republicans.  They know how to get spending under control and get us out of debt."

"Did you know that huge budget deficits started with Ronald Reagan and continued to increase with every Republican administration since then?  In fact, Reagan was in charge when the national debt first hit one trillion dollars.  The Bush Sr. administration continued deficit budgets big time, but no administration can even hold a candle to the deficits the Bush Jr. administration and a Republican Congress racked up.  They were adding between a third and a half trillion dollars to the debt each year.  On the other hand, in two terms the Democratic Clinton administration cut spending and almost eliminated the national debt by the end of 2000."

"That's not true.  Anyway, even if it did happen, it was the result of the Republican administration in office before he got there.  It just took a little time to happen.  Plus, the deficit went up immediately after Obama took office.  How do you explain that?"

"President Obama but the cost of the wars into the budget.  The previous administration always financed those expenses with borrowed money,  They kept the war expense off the books by repeatedly calling it an 'emergency supplemental' budget.  Obama put those expenditures back on the books making the deficit go higher."

"Yeah, but that doesn't explain why the deficit has exploded since he came into office.  He's been spending money right and left, increasing the budget deficit every day.  That's why we had to elect Republicans this time to stop him."

"Did you know that the very first budget of the Obama administration actually lowered the deficit for the first time in years?  It went down $200 billion dollars even counting the stimulus expense.  Plus, of course, we got all the roads and bridges and other things that the stimulus paid for out of the deal."

"That's impossible.  How can you say that Obama lowered the deficit when he turned $800 billion over the banks in the bail out?  That was so crooked that the Republicans are going to have to spend time investigating it."

"George Bush Jr. gave the TARP money to the banks and brokers.  Obama has gone to great lengths to get it back, in lots of cases, with a profit.  His administration has used that money to pay down the debt from the Bush Jr. government."

"That's just not true.  Everybody knows that the Democrats always run up debt.  Go on to the next question."

"Our last question has to do with jobs.  What do you think about the turn around from the huge job losses we ran into during the Bush Jr. administration?"

 

"First of all, it's about time you Democrats quit blaming George W. Bush for everything.  The economy was still on its feet when he was President.  It's gone to hell while Obama has been President and the Democrats have been running the government."

"Well, remember the GDP business we discussed earlier?  Did you know that during the Bush Jr. administration our national GDP was actually contracting at around 6% per year?  The previous administration just sat there while the country was losing 600,000 jobs a month.  That went on for almost six years."

"Also, did you know that more private sector jobs have been created during the first two years of the Obama administration than were created during the eight years of the Bush Jr. Presidency?  Also, while the previous administration was doing nothing about jobs or the economy, the top 2% were doing great.  During that previous administration the richest 400 Americans increased their personal wealth by over $630 billion dollars?  That's why Obama is against extending the tax cuts to the top 2%."

"So, there you have it.  That means that Obama and the Democrats are in favor of raising taxes.  Are there any more questions?"

"No.  Thank you very much for helping me with this poll.  I really appreciate it."

"No problem.  We Republicans are famous for being generous in victory.  Maybe now you can help your Democrat friends start making sense out of their policies.  There's nothing like manning up, facing facts and making changes."

The student's companion approached as the man walked toward his car where his wife was waiting. 

"Did you get the interview?"

"Yeah, I did.  Except I'm not sure what to do with the results.  Too bad this assignment is for political science and not some sort of abnormal psychology."

Across the parking lot, the Republican's wife asked about the young man after her husband had started the car. 

"Who was that you were talking to, honey?"

"Some Democrat student with an exit poll.  If those damned kids would watch the news, they'd have some idea of what the hell was happening."

"What's for dinner?"

Election Eve at the Billionaire Boys Club

 Have a chuckle with another little snippet of MeanMesa's dark fiction...


Somehow, our narrator had managed to be invited to witness the election eve meeting where some of the richest neo-cons would be celebrating the Republican victory in the mid term election.  The junior reporter asked his "insider friend" if he should dress to the hilt for the Election Eve Gala at the Billionaires Boys Club. 

An Evening at the Billionaires Boys Club ( image source )

Something of a blow hard, his friend, Mr. Toxin V. Cash, answered in an unusual Southern drawl, quite different from his normal speech.  Clearly, he had already modified his Connecticut accent to better fit in with the crowd.

Cash bellowed, "Naw, in fact it'd be better t' dress kinda lahk a hobo.  Them folks at th' meetin' git off lookin' better then thu rabble.  You'd do well, boy, t' jes 'member yer place, keep yer little noggin face down n' act real humbul.  Jes 'member thet you gonna be actin' lahk mah food taster, boy.  Thet theres th' only way Ah kin get yew in..."

"There gonna be sum otha' low class people theah, 'n yew just gotta kind'a dissapeer in thu crowd.  Meantimes, jes lay low.  Ah'll pik yew up et 8 in mah limo."

Hearing the low, powerful rumble of an idling V-8 and smelling the unmistakable odor of sulphur billowing from the car's exhaust, the reporter, now dressed in a shabby, ill fitted Sears suit, glanced both ways as he hurried from his office to meet the gigantic Cadillac double parked at the front door.  Inside, his contact was still blubbering about the high class nature of the elites they would be encountering at the gala.

"T'nite's gonna be reports n' th' 'wards ceremony.  Each of them law firms n' public relations compnies we hahred gonna get reevyouwed bah the club officers.  It'll be reel intrestin 'cause they's goin' over all th' stuff they dun to win th' 'lection n'all."

"Natcherly, we's all hopin' thet once them Democrats is out of th' way, we kin all start rakin' in th' bucks agin."

The junior reporter, checking his wire, very casually tapped the microphone on the recorder hidden under his belt.  "You mean that they will be able to really get their businesses all fired up again, right?"

Burping loudly, the billionaire across the seat explained, "Well, there's thet, but lots o' mah frenz make good money cheatin' on taxes and govment contrax, too.  Jes wait 'till yew hear them contract'r reports, 'n yew'll unnerstan everthin'."

He had just finished when the Cadillac arrived at the outer gate of the "club house."  What appeared to be the New Jersey National Guard was standing post.  The limousine sailed through the open gate as even more soldiers inside popped to attention, saluting.  The curving drive stretch out for another mile through carefully tended trees and shrubs.  The lights of the mansion finally broke through the evening darkness, still on the horizon.

As the car drew closer, the reporter could see a valet lot with a string of every sort of luxury car in a long line.  There were Bentleys, Rolls, Benzes and others he couldn't even recognize.  Beyond the mansion itself,  dozens of private helicopters hovered in a long line, waiting to land.  Counting the choppers, there were at least half a billion dollars worth of vehicles lining up in the outer lots.

The door man recognized Cash instantly.  "This way, please sir.  Dinner is to be served in a few minutes."

Cash thrust a hundred dollar bill into the man's hand, storming on into the mansion's atrium.  The disguised reporter hurried to follow.  Inside, the billionaire was met with boisterous, yet suspiciously contrived, greetings from the other billionaires lounging about.  The shabby reporter seemed to have become invisible.

The dining arrangement explained Mr. Cash's choice of "taster" as the least conspicuous choice to conceal his guest.  The main table, elevated in the center of the great hall, was what one would expect for an incredibly expensive meal, but just behind each seat, a small table and stool had been placed for each guest's taster.  Standing nervously behind the taster tables, a horde of security thugs fidgeted as they glared at the billionaires sitting next to their employers.


The "tasting" tasks began at once.

A waiter appeared with Mr. Cash's pre-dinner cocktail, a room temperature martini.  However, instead of serving Mr. Cash, the aperitif was deposited on the small table to be sampled by the reporter.  He dutifully took the tiniest sip of the drink. Only after a moment had passed did the waiter finally place the drink at Mr. Cash's place at the main table.

A similar process continued with each course of the meal.

Just as after dinner brandies were being delivered, the lights in the great banquet hall dimmed.  The chamber quartet fell silent.  An incredibly fat man in a tuxedo laboriously ascended the three steps to the podium with the assistance of a young aide, obviously a personal servant.  He was greeted with a loud round of applause and  raucous "huzzahs" from the other billionaires just then finishing their dinners.

"Awlraht boys, let's show them librels who's boss!  Put yer monthly dews checks in them pots on the table!"

All those seated at the banquet quickly placed a check for five million dollars into the ceramic dishes which had been placed along the center of the great dinner table.  Individual billionaires slapped each other on the back, laughing with a chorus of cruel guffaws.  Liveried waiters quickly gathered the take.


The toastmaster returned to his comments.

"Ah know thet yew all come down fer the good times tonite, but we jes gotta' take care of business raht quick before we start the party.  Don't worry.  We got ahl kahns of fancy little wimmen, house pets n' boys waitin' in the back room, an' they're all jes dyin' ta meet ya'!  So, les git to them committee reports 'n git thet part of our party out'ta the way!"

"Our first report will be frum our News Management Committee.  Tell us whut yo'all done to git this 'lection on the raht track."

The lawyer in charge of media fraud rose from his chair on the podium.  "We've had a good year.  Our media black out of every bill the administration has signed to help small business owners has gone like clockwork.  No one in the country has heard any news about any of it.  Most voters think that the whole government is just sitting there, doing nothing."

"Our unfounded rumor division has been hammering on the Muslim, Nazi, Stalinist line every time we could grab a microphone.  The birth certificate plan ran its course, but worked pretty darned well.  Our history management group has been very successful in spreading total memory loss and confusion.  Most voters don't think they got a tax cut, and most of them think that Obama bailed out the banks."

"The talking points bunch convinced the country that the health care bill was going to cost money instead of cutting the deficit.  Your insurance boys have done a good job raising premiums and denying coverage before the bill is implemented.  The 'debt for our grandchildren' line went down like chicken soup and jello."

"We've been force feeding the 'business uncertainty' idea with pretty good results, and the 'tax increase' idea has caught on with a good number of citizens, too.  All the Senators working for your club have done as good a job as could be expected in all their interviews and speeches.  Senator McChinless and that 'Boner' have been worth their weight in gold!  Nobody can drill through the mouth farts that pair has been putting out on the air waves."

"Last of all, we're real happy to report thet the wars didn't make it into the mix at all.  We done tried to rename them 'Obama Wars,' but the public jes weren't reddy to fergit who actually started 'em. At least, there weren't no talk 'bout the Iraqi Hydrocarbon Treaty durin' thu 'lection."

The toastmaster thanked the media shill over graciously for his report.  The crowd clapped half-heartedly, no doubt considering the huge amount of cash they had invested in the effort.  "Our next report's comin' from our evangelicul 'n gun nuts committee."


A strangely lean man dressed in a l954 Roy Rogers cowboy outfit rose and moved to the podium.  All eyes from the security thugs were locked onto the 40 calibre automatic pistol strapped to his waist.

"Our scheme to git the NRA n' thu 'Merican Legion fired up t' buy up all thu ghuns and ammo worked out great.  Raht after thu nominashun, half thu cuntry figerred thet civil war was only a day or two from startin'.  We put out thu usual rumors 'bout gun control n' stuff n' follwed 'er up with one of our favorights, thu 'merica ain't a Christian nashun' line."

"After thet, all  them gun totin' losers were dancin' in thu streets with nose bleeds!" 

"Them pastors yew all hahred to spread the 'death panels' 'n aborted fetuses done their job pretty good, too.  Us gun boys picked up the 'take our freedom back' and thu Christians convinced everbody thet health care was Satanic.  Once we laid in thet minorties and welfare queens was gonna' decide whut doctors whaht folks could git to, we hed everthin' but the bonfahrs and book burnin' rollin' down thu road."

The applause for this speaker was even more lack luster.  Clearly, most of the billionaires were a little intimidated by the crazy, paranoid glint in the man's eyes.  The dinner guests were relieved when the aide helped the immense host  stumble back to the microphone.

"Our next report's comin' from the hill billy and bigot management group.  Big  Ole Dick Armey from the Freedom Works couldn't sober up enuf to make it toonaht, but one o' his lieutenants 's here ta fill us in."

Compared to the previous speakers, the Freedom Works man was even creepier.  Our disguised reporter felt a compelling subconscious need to take a shower even before the man began to speak.  For this presentation, the crowd of billionaires gave a standing ovation.

"We've had a real good time fer this 'lection.  We scooped up a few nouns from a 3rd grade American History book 'n unleashed thu Tea Baggers.  We have to admit thet we coulda' worked a' little harder on spellin', but the half-wit message rang through loud 'n clear.  We had geezers so old they could hardly git to the rallies rantin' 'n ravin' 'bout Soshul Scurity and Medicaire being 'gainst the Bauhbul."

"Wha... we got 'em hating Mexicans, Catholics, Chinamen, Muslims and  ever oth'ah minority we culd fahnd in thu phone book."

"Granted, sum of them candidates our hill billies dug up 'n voted fer in the primaries were a little freaky, but we figgered thet it wuz the thought thet counted.  Them 'xpensive bigots y'all hahred to talk 'em up on thu radio worked wonders fer us.  More'n thet, them Nazi's yer Texan slid into thu Spreme Court done a great job makin' yer donashuns legal!"

"As fer thu Negra in thu Oval Office, why, we couldn't have asked fer any more then thet!  Ever red neck in thu whole cuntry cleaned their shot gun 'n started feelin' jes lahk a damned, cranky patriot!  Them bigots gonna' vote 'Publican clear into thu next century!  All them gun totin' crackers ought'a be purty damned handy when y'all start redistrictin' next year, too!"

After another round of hearty applause, the host once again staggered to the microphone.  "Almost dun, y'all, but there's jest one last thing we gotta take care of tonaht.  Thet's gonna be the annyul Exxon-Goldmann-Sachs-Pharmasootical Award fer Excellence in Manipulatin' Public 'Pinion."

"Without no further a'do, thu Club officers desahded thet our favorite dirty shirt preacher -- an' thet ain't Phelps 'n his queer haters lahk last year -- deserved thu prize fer the great work he done on the Mosque 'n thu Koran burnin' episodes.  A big hand fer Dove World Outreach's Terry 'We Hate Rag Heads' Jones." 

( image source )

"Jes when we figgered we couldn't scare the voters any more, this here hill billy show'd up to put the frostin' on the cake!  Best of all, thu whole durned thang didn't cost us nothin'!"

"Now, since we got all our bizness done, we kin move raht ahead to the part yew all lahk thu most!  Ah'm introducin' our Family Values Dancers whahl thu rest of our special party prizes kin start mixin' with thu crowd!"

"Have a great tahm toonaht, y'all!"

Latest MeanMesa Contest: MORE FUN THAN PORN!

The following email was received at MeanMesa Galactic Headquarters a few days ago.  The billionaires are actually spending their money to spread this stuff around the country just before the election.

The "address" on this email was "<."

Rather than simply allowing this stinky thing to vaporize into the spam department, MeanMesa has "cooked up" a scheme to extract a little fun from the thing.  Go ahead.  Enjoy yourself for a minute or two, then trash it.

The MeanMesa Contest Rules

Can you find eight outright lies in this text?

Below is a fax that you can send to your 2 U.S. Senators and House Representative, by merely pressing the button below.

Please DO NOT forward or share this link with others. Doing so will give them access to your NumbersUSA account.

Urge Congress to Enforce All Immigration Deportation Laws

The Obama Administration refuses to take action against the 8 million non-violent illegal aliens who continue to work in U.S. based jobs. Their status as illegal residents is a crime itself, as they continue to hold jobs that should go to legal residents and U.S. citizens. With high unemployment numbers around the country, this is a serious situation that deserves better attention from the President and his staff.

Ranking Member of the House Judiciary Committee Lamar Smith (R-TX) recently stated that, "...under President Obama, work site enforcement administrative arrests are down 77%, criminal arrests are down 60%, indictments are down 64% and convictions are down 68%." This shows the growing unwillingness of his Administration to solve one of the biggest domestic policy issues currently facing the nation.

Please don't delay. Send this critical message to your three representatives in Congress today, and ask them to put more emphasis on enforcing our immigration laws and preventing future illegal immigration.

PRESS TO SEND NO-COST FAX

Dear (Your 3 Members of Congress Will Appear Here),

Currently, 8 million illegal aliens have jobs while 22 million Americans are unable to find a job. I hope you agree that something needs to be done about the current situation.

It is truly disappointing that the Obama Administration is only targeting "violent" illegal aliens and ignoring so-called "innocent" illegal aliens. Given that 8 million illegal aliens hold U.S. jobs, most illegal aliens in the United States are guilty of stealing jobs from the 22 million Americans unable to find a job.

I hope you will support legislation forcing the government to enforce our nation's just and fair immigration laws and oppose any attempt to amnesty the 11-18 million illegal aliens living and working in the United States so that Americans and legal immigrants have a decent chance of finding a job. 

Sincerely,
(Your Name Will Appear Here)

(When you Click above, you'll be taken to a web page
where you will be able to take INSTANT ACTION if you wish.)

NumbersUSA, America's largest-member immigration-reduction organization.

We are non-profit and non-partisan.

Citizens United Cash Hits New Mexico

MeanMesa hasn't been reluctant to pipe up concerning the democracy crushing impact of all the cheap cash the Citizens United ruling has unleashed on the democratic process.  All across the country, previously sleepy little Chamber of Commerce groups have been overwhelmed -- violently prostituted -- by the Washington professionals such as Karl Rove and a few other losers of similar ilk.

The result of this "money bomb takeover" has been a sickening hybrid between the traditional "cash cow" and "media whore," a new product from the rapacious plutocrats who are willing to sacrifice the entire country for even the slightest political advantage.  The reactionary forces within the Supreme Court knew exactly what they were doing when they issued forth the Citizens United decision.  Their masters had long held the "drunken wet dream" of being legally able to influence elections with unlimited and unreported "campaign assistance contributions."

It is almost a certainty that the corporatists and billionaires paid something for the Citizen United ruling, but we will never know what or how much.  MeanMesa can't even so much as speculate what might entice the  ossified throw backs of the Roberts court to act with so much arrogance and hubris.

The outrage of such an anti-democratic and un-Constitutional insult to the American "rule of law" by amounts to little more than a dark cloud of treason. The act was made even more horrendous by its execution in the broad light of day by gleeful "justices" brazen enough to impetuously scold at our President during his State of the Union speech.

Now the fall out from the scheme is everywhere.  The benefactors are exclusively Republicans save the lingering horde of hill billies and other bigots emerging under the deeply soiled, tragic banner of the "tea bagger" zombies who have joined the insurrection.  Desperation runs deep in the GOP these days.  The party is a rolling train wreck stranded politically with only the sparse comic relief of the whackos and freaks who masquerade as candidates in the next election.

The coal for this GOP train wreck's out of control locomotive is the tragically fleeting hope that amnesia has set in, somehow obscuring the disaster of the  recent Republican record.

Before the letter from New Mexico Congressman, Martin Heinrich, MeanMesa will undertake just one more bit of clarification.

There are two forms of money which can be spent by a candidate in an election.  The first form is the more straightforward of the two.  It is candidate money.

Candidate money has been contributed to a candidate's campaign.  It is used to purchase media coverage which says, in some fashion, "vote for this candidate."  This type of money must be reported to the Federal Election Commission along with its source -- that is, along with the name of the party which has contributed it.

When a candidate advertises in this fashion, whether the ad is positive about him or negative about his opponent, he must claim responsibility for its message.  This is the reason we hear the "I am so and so, and I authorized this message" at the very end of the message.  That little quip is required by law.

Campaign assistance money is the second of the two forms.  Unlike the first category of campaign spending, this type of money cannot directly campaign for the election of a specific candidate.  Theoretically, it is money which has never even "passed through" a campaign's coffers, but, instead, has arisen from other sources seeking to "educate" the voters about some contemporary issue.

Originally, this assistance money was intended for advertising about such questions as special projects, changes in laws or the like.  Examples would be bond issues, changes in marijuana laws or local projects which would ultimately require legislative approval.  For a long time, campaign assistance dollars served to educate and persuade voters about just such questions.

In those "good old days" before the Citizens United ruling, commercials paid for with campaign assistance money always had to say who had signed the check.  However, the dismal slide into raw, inflammatory hog wash began -- rather boldly -- with ABC's 2 hour "movie" explaining exactly how Bill Clinton "caused" 9/11.

From there the "campaign assistance" path careened into a cheezy, dimestore Vaudeville with no holds barred.  Citizens United amounted to the judicial, electoral equivalent of a meth dealer showing up at a drunken bon fire party with a gallon of gasoline.

                                        MeanMesa

Representative Heinrich's letter to MeanMesa

 

 

 

 

 

So, with roughly two weeks remaining before the election, New Mexico voters will be "treated" to literally hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of "name recognition" media, all paid for by very suspiciously unnamed and unknown "donors."  The planks on reactionary "campaign platforms" presented in this media glacier will amount to the sickeningly familiar talking points, all remarkably sterile and generic and utterly devoid of specifics.

Also messages with a surgically sterile absence of identified sponsors.

MeanMesa intends to incorporate this message in our next pass out, canvassing card.  The suggestion is simple.

"Stock up on a good collection of your favorite movies.  Load up a health bunch of your favorite music.  Cast a Democratic ballot in early voting (starting October 16 in New Mexico).  Then turn off your radio and television and leave it turned off until November 3 to avoid the endless GOP blither which will, otherwise, arrive in endless 15 minute commercial blocks between every gasp of what you might be listening to or viewing."

It's Time to Talk to the Neighbors!

Loyal MeanMesa visitors may have noticed a recent hiatus in postings on Short Current Essays.  The explanation is simple enough. We haven't just been watching daytime soaps and eating chocolate bon-bons.

MeanMesa has been out politickin'!

Yup, the mid-term election is creeping up on us, the Chamber of Commerce already has its hand on the flush lever for the millions of dollars foreign campaign contributions. Those throw backs are getting ready to dump cash driven lies into every corner of the democracy and our local, New Mexico candidates need all the help they can get.  MeanMesa has been door to door in the neighborhood, talking to voters and encouraging them to take the election seriously.

What else would anyone want to do besides wandering around on beautiful, New Mexico fall days?  Oooops.  There's also the little matter of saving the democracy.

A few weeks ago -- about the time that the story of all the millions of Karl Rove money broke -- we had a discouraging conversation with a young fellow.  He had decided that, in the face of gigantic campaign contributions from oil companies, pill makers, China and Saudi Arabia, there was little that could be done to put our electoral process back on the tracks.

Horse manure!

Of course, MeanMesa thought, "Well, we'll just call our broker and tell him to unleash a few million from our own investment accounts.  We'll show those darned plutocrats and Arabs."

However, on second thought, the chilling reality of the moment had a chance to sink through.  We have no broker.  We have no multi-million dollar investment accounts.  So what's left?

Whatever our effort is going to be, it is definitely  going to be a very low budget approach.

So, off we go!  We are going to need a couple of things to get this message out into the voting world.  A quick visit to the local Dollar General produced a nice, bargain priced tape dispenser and a healthy block of blank index cards.

The next step was to come up with a few solid campaign messages -- things that  would resonate with our great MeanMesa neighbors here in the apartment complex.  After all, the message wasn't going to be worth much if it didn't "zero in" on issues important to the folks who would be getting the cards.

Further, the plan needed to start early and keep going.  A single campaign issue delivered each week was going to have a lot more sway than a frantic, last minute assault.  The most important "anchors" for Democratic voters in this district are the races for New Mexico Governor, Diane Denish, and our district's Congressman, Martin Heinrich.  The idea is that is voters go to the polls for these two races, they will probably vote a Democratic ticket for the remainder of the contests.

 Of course, the idea here is that you -- MeanMesa visitors  - CAN MAKE YOUR OWN CARDS!

Compose a nice message to support your own mid-term election candidates, print a hundred of them on your computer printer and pass them out!  The actual cards offered below as examples contained MeanMesa's name and phone number along with a personal signature -- all included just to make sure the reader knew it was a personal message and not just more mass produced  campaign drivel for "name recognition."  (It's not a good idea to post your phone number in the blogsphere, so we replaced that data with "MeanMesa*" on the example cards.)

Doing the straight "name recognition" approach insults your neighbors' capacity to actually consider the material issues at play.  Leave that approach to the Republican Chamber of Commerce crowd.  Count on it, they will be out in force with their millions of foreign campaign dollars soon enough.

Here are the cards MeanMesa has been handing out for the last month and a half.  We've registered 22 new voters and supplied 2 applications for absentee ballots so far.  Remember -- EVERY VOTE COUNTS!  New Mexico went for George Bush Jr. on fewer than 400 votes!

The two most recent cards (below) were printed on both sides -- something of a new accomplishment for MeanMesa's technical prowess.

So, what's the message here?

Simple.  Quit feeling desperate and GET BUSY!  Remember -- YOU CAN MAKE ALL THOSE FOREIGN CAMPAIGN DOLLARS WORTH NOTHING!

The one thing all those neo-cons DON'T HAVE is a "boots on the ground" commitment.  Dollars don't buy votes -- dollars just buy more television ads!  A simple, honest, neighbor to neighbor message is worth more than the most expensive, professional attack ad.

Go to work!