Waiting for the Phone

As is the case with many bloggers across the world wide web dreaming of a nice, long interview on the PBS NewsHour, MeanMesa is no exception.  We could throw a few WalMart duds on these old bones, take a short nap and catch the Greyhound to D.C. without missing a lick.

Usually only the confused theme of REM fantasies unfolding in the moments before dawn, this awe inspiring possibility seems to have moved a little closer to reality in the past few days.  Let's take a look at exactly why MeanMesa would think such a thing.

"Gosh darn it.  PBS should have called by now."

There Are Always Two Sides To Everything

Okay.  We've all seen it.  Even if the "reportage" were about the Black Death raging across Europe, the "news" would still feature interviews backing both possible outcomes, that is, both those "opposed" to the Black Death and those who support it.  

"Tonight we will hear from both Louis Pasteur, suggesting ways to avoid the plague, and from the Grim Reaper, explaining why the disaster might still offer benefits to Wall Street."

Ever so slightly less dramatic, we find Congressman Paul Ryan being interviewed after announcing a few details of his plan to permanently transfer all remaining wealth in the country to places where the oligarchs can get a better grip on it.  Even though the new GOPCon plan seems ridiculously adolescent, MeanMesa thinks it actually calls for a bit more scrutiny.

The "psych-managers" in the GOPCon talking points bunker are getting a little more savvy every day.  Their first candidate for "angry young lion," Eric Cantor, had a serious "image traction failure"  which didn't work out so well for them.  With a personage reminiscent of the symptoms photo in the paranoic section of the most recent DSM, Cantor was, frankly, just a bit too unstable looking to quite fill the bill of being the "face of the GOPCons."  Worse, when Eric appeared in the company of the chin wiggling head GOPCon Senator, Mitch McConnell, the children of independent voters ran from the television room with urgent  episodes of childhood diarrhea.

Eric Cantor - Creepy & Bad Haircut Right Away (image source)

So, as little Eric Cantor began his descent, appearing less and less frequently as the face of the GOPCon gang, Paul Ryan quietly assumed his vacant seat in the "angry young lion" chair.  Ryan was a great improvement.  At least until he starts speaking, his face suggests a reassuring mental stability, a feature the GOPCons are hoping that Independents will find appealing.

Rep. Paul Ryan - Much Less Creepy Until He Speaks (image source)

However, there remains a little problem.  Ryan is, frankly, such an ossified neo-con wing nut that he comes across as too boring to ever really fire up the base.  Paul had to have something in his hand -- a "bright shiny object" that had something to do with the economy or something.  No problem.  The GOPCons happened to already have hundreds of thousands of copies of their ten year deficit reduction plan, "The Path to Prosperity," printed, packaged and ready to go, that is, collecting cob webs in some neglected corner of the talking points bunker.

Now, economic plans are dribbling through Washington like Carter's Little Liver Pills these days.  The hill billies and bigots constituting the GOPCon political base had ceased all interest in any more confusing economic strategies weeks ago, retuning to more traditional issues such as the always popular -- and, for them, comprehensible -- "God, Guns and Gays."

Ryan Gets the PBS Interview

The "bright shiny object," it turns out, caught Jim Lehrer's  broadcast fancy right away.  The GOPCon talking points factory had fired up the "zeroes" on their hunt and peck stenographers, producing a ten year plan which promised to reduce the national debt by TRILLIONS, in fact, around $5 TRILLION!

$5,000,000,000,000!

The PR campaign ascended effortlessly from the now tediously boring "nickle and dime cat fight" which had, as mentioned before, already plunged television viewers into a multi-day, stoic drowse.  After all, $5 Tn dollars worth of government spending cuts represented a number which even tragically challenged tea baggers could notice!

Of course economically, the stinky little thing wasn't worth the paper it was printed on as far as being an actual plan went, but it was "shiny" enough to plunk Paul Ryan, marginally photogenic, relatively stable looking, "angry young lion," squarely in from of Judy Woodruff of the NewsHour for an over-controlled, lilting string of pregnant softballs, each one an invitation for more of Ryan's  gaseous, ideological, economic genius to hit the air waves.

MeanMesa says "Wait right there a gosh darned minute!"

MeanMesa's "Big Chance"

"Why, this isn't fair!  This isn't fair at all.  All Ryan and the GOPCons have to do is throw together a pretend $5 Tn spending cut plan and their guy is sitting in front of Judy Woodruff just as if they were actually serious?"

Still slobbering with discouragement, MeanMesa rushed to the trusty word processer.  The old determination and "stick to-it-iveness" was slowly rebounding deep in the core of the old geezer.  Those fast talking GOPCons didn't have anything on MeanMesa!

The new, deficit cutting economic plan was slowly hatching.  All MeanMesa had to do was quickly throw together a "plan" that would cut $10 TRILLION dollars out the debt in FIVE years.  Since facts meant nothing, the whole project shouldn't take any more than a few minutes.

So, with all that careful, thoughtful, penetrating, objective, "fact based" economic analysis complete, these bony old fingers raced through the "MeanMesa Economic Recovery Plan" as fast as an allergic gnat can sneeze.

Because the plan includes a few, shall we say, "unusual budget cutting items," each one evidence of its representing the "other side" of the perpetually unavoidable "two sides" of everything, MeanMesa realized that a few enticing hints about its entire content would need to be "leaked" to the PBS "story hunters."  Once they picked up the scent, the geezer's trip to the nationally  broadcast interview would be well underway.

It turns out that composing MeanMesa's flashy $10 TRILLION dollar cut wasn't actually so difficult after all.  In fact, by conveniently ignoring any of the facts in the matter, it wasn't any more difficult than "angry young lion" Ryan's $5 TRILLION dollar cut plan that had served him so well!

Naturally, by this time everyone was fascinated with the "MeanMesa Plan," clamoring around in the yard outside Galactic Headquarters trying to ferret out even the tiniest detail.  It was clearly time for a public statement on the ancient MeanMesa microphone, perched for a semi-discernible press release in the howling wind of a New Mexico spring, "leaking" a few tantalizing highpoints -- more than enough great ideas and stuff to get the Judy Woodruff interview.

 MeanMesa's $10 Trillion Dollar, 5 Year Plan

"Fix" Social Security and Medicare

The theme will be "One Great Year of Suffering."  By simply stopping all Social Security and Medicare payments for a single year -- while continuing to collect the taxes, of course -- the whole program can be "ripened up" for complete privatization.  The cost savings come from lowering the life expectancy, and thus, the population, of all these greedy old and sick people who are currently "sucking the system dry."

A "Cold War Weapons" Sale

A quick visit to the Defense Department's junk pile of ridiculous weapons -- many of which are brand new, never used, still in the box -- reveals just how much cash could be injected into the General Fund by the equivalent of a gigantic yard sale.  All the remaining rich countries in the world could buy everything from bombers to killer satellites for a dime on a dollar.  Not only would acres of military storage be freed up, the recurring maintenance charges would simply "go away."

Tax Increases

 Naturally, tax hikes would have to be carefully designed so that not even GOCon spendthrifts would be perturbed.  MeanMesa understands this, making the carefully studied selection of spiders, dentists and clowns the obvious targets.  Tax payers already hated these things even before the taxes went higher.

Solve the Immigration Problem

MeanMesa, recognizing the importance of accomplishing this without the use of profiling, proposes the export of poor people and children -- regardless of ethnicity -- to Mexico until poverty is solved.  In addition to giving the Mexicans a "taste of their own medicine," the cost of US domestic services would plummet.  The State Department might finally earn their pay checks by soothing the ruffled feathers.

Sell US Side Walks to the Chinese

It's time that they bought the side walks to go with everything else they already own.  The influx of cash would amount to a gigantic, one time boost of much needed revenue which could amount to billions if we set the price high enough.

Of course, the "list of great cost cutting ideas" in the "MeanMesa Plan" includes lots and lots of other stuff in addition to these little teasers, but the rest will have to wait for our PBS Interview.  Still, after watching how "seriously" the NewsHour took Ryan's "really, really serious" proposal, how could they walk by a chance to interview MeanMesa's?

Heh, heh.  We can already smell the odor of those luxurious, leather interview chairs.  MeanMesa intends to wear a light jacket with pockets big enough to swipe one of the PBS interview drinking glasses, too!

This is just the kind of interview which will convince the wing nuts in the House to not follow through on their NPR-PBS spending cuts!

Now, back to waiting by the phone.  This is a call which cannot be missed.

When the "Train Leaves the Station"

Senator Mitch McConnell and Congressmen Boehner and Cantor, please return to your "landslide of public opinion seats" immediately.  The country is about ready to move forward.  Please have plans and policies ready to show the conductor.  

Thank you.

MeanMesa's compliments to the President.

 Image Sources:  

Mitch McConnell source  John Boehner source

Eric Cantor   source

Little Eric Cantor's Special Story

Ahh, it was a mere day after the health care reform bill was passed.  The hill billies and bigots, already full to the gunn'els with shabbily disguised lies and other, overly lipsticked "outrages" from their neo-con mentors, were very, very busy around the country.

There were black Congressmen to be spit on or called "nigger" on the steps of the Capitol.  There was Senator Franks to be called a "faggot" as he walked toward his Senate office.  All this was, of course, conducted as a totally spontaneous  "grass roots" melee --  awash with an inundating presence of network pundits and camera crews -- and, predictably, the latest suspiciously repetitive laments and fear mongering issued forth almost at once.

It was an insult to everything holy.

Would the powerful, out of control tea bag patriots start a civil war?

Was the earlier neo-con prediction that the health care bill would be Armageddon for America becoming reality?

Were the liberals "ramming" our beloved country into some sort of refurbished "Stalinist nightmare?"

Oh, dear.

The story was, uh, ABSOLUTELY RIVETING.

Photo courtesy of

http://blogs.e-rockford.com/applesauce/files/2009/11/eric_cantor_1.jpg

Well, MeanMesa watched, yawning,  practically comatose, as the media fraud boiled and boiled.  Sarah Palin and Rush led their "army of the night" into all sorts of teenage vandalism across the country.  The, uh, people, that is, ALL the people Fox News and the alphabet networks interview from their special list of Super Patriots passed out in American Legion bars, were infuriated at the prospect of, finally, actually having health care.

They were ready to a man to fight for their inalienable right to either face bankruptcy or die without treatment for anything which might ail them.

Totally freaked, the Republican National Committee plummeted into the utter agony of a heart wrenching desperation.  The Democrats, suffering all these injustices from their out of control, right wing neo-con lackeys and thugs would reap a political heyday from public opinion.  The vandalism stories were rushing in.  Windows had been broken by bricks thrown in a modern apparition of Krystal Nacht.

The rightees set their very best wing nut news handlers to work.  This tide HAD TO BE TURNED by conflicting stories before it got too bad.  What little neo-con would emerge from the wreckage to save the day?

BOOM.  Here's Little Eric Cantor (R-Va) staggering forward to "collar the bear!"

"Oh, it was horrible!  A gun shot rang out in the darkness and a moment later a bullet smashed through the window of the Cantor offices!  The Satanic Liberal Health Care Socialists were attacking!  What can we do!  Oh, what can we do?"

Salon Presents the REAL Cantor Office Attack Story

The news reports which had only a few hours earlier been describing the attacks on Democrats by neo-con thugs now quietly slipped into an equal number of "stories" about how ALL Congressmen were being attacked.  Yeah, there were mostly Democrats on the receiving end, but that's not important any longer -- A REPUBLICAN WAS ATTACKED!

HEY!  HEY!  Over here!  LOOK AT ME!  I WAS ATTACKED, TOO!

YIKES!  IT REALLY IS ARMAGEDDON!  Details at ten.

What a great story, and it couldn't have come at a better time!  Oooops.  Wait a minute.  After a closer look, the details begin to emerge.  First, it wasn't Cantor's office after all.  The "office" with the broken window belonged to a consultant to  Cantor.  

Ooooops.  The "office" wasn't even in Cantor's Congressional District.  It was in Pittsburg.  In fact, it was near where the woman had been mauled by NEGROES who carved a "B" on her face for "Barrack Obama."  Oooops, that didn't actually happen either -- she changed her story later while being questioned by the police.

Oooops, the bullet which broke the window in the office which wasn't Cantor's office and wasn't in Cantor's District wasn't actually even shot at the window it broke.  The police investigation revealed that the shot had been fired into the air some distance away and only broke the window as it fell to Earth. 

MeanMesa is sure that the Republican National Committee was back on the line in a New York Minute.  The story was falling apart before their eyes.  All sorts of mean progressive radio hosts were plastering the air waves as they reported the incredible screw up.

Now, Eric Cantor, for those who have seen his pimply little Pompadour whining interviews, frankly lacks the gonads to match the real Republican family values guys who scoff at live prostitutes and dead boys in back rooms.  But still, something had to be done!  This was getting worse by the minute.  The wing-nut "Patriots" of the "Army of the Night" were becoming the laughing stock of the country.

Ahh, it was as if some billowing cloud of Divine Comic Relief had been dispatched from Heaven to wash away all the frustration of the health care debate.

However, although complicated, the Republicans still had full control of their "wholly owned media outlets."  After all, with a political base as illiterate as most of theirs was, practically anything might work

An hour and a half later, police arrested a man for making a "death threat" against Cantor in an unrelated incident.

The Washington Post "Death Threat" Story

It's only a MeanMesa guess, but at least this latest hilarious plan might have a chance to "recapture" some of the RNC's base with a "sympathy vote."

Post Posting Script:  Now, a day after this original posting, additional facts have surfaced about this "death threatener" who just appeared in such a serendipitous, timely and convenient manner.  Apparently, he is another Biblical Scholar who has, turn by turn, threatened just about everybody on Capitol Hill up to and including President Obama.  The exact charge is that he threatened to kill Cantor's "cup cake" wife.

It's a good thing that the Democrat's are devoting their time to actually working on stuff which will help the American people.